Journal Entry 1: 10/01/2016
“Depression. To most it’s a word without much meaning. An invisible word with no substance. Problems that could be easily fixed. Issues that are made up, that are cries for attention. They could all be solved if you would only try. Well, I’ve been trying.
I’m sitting here in the bedroom of my Father’s beautiful home on a pretty little slice of land in North Carolina. It’s only the second day of my visit here, but I cannot for the life of me just breath. Why cant I just relax? This is suppose to be a vacation right? A time where you’re suppose to do nothing and it is okay, and it is lovely. What is so wrong with me that I can’t even do that? What is so wrong that doing nothing and enjoying each other’s company is so hard? Not without a substance am I allowed…
Medication. That’s another word. Medicated. It is also only the second day of mine. They say it’s good to admit when you need help. I just haven’t quite accepted it yet. It’s hard when all you want so desperately is to feel normal. That’s not to say I wont have good days here. Some days are just tough, and some are a bit easier. Today it seems, may just be tough.
But I cant stop thinking about how all of this is making me feel so incredibly selfish. I just want to spend time with my Dad, but it’s like I cant focus. It kills me that I may be giving them the impression that it’s just because I’m bored, or I don’t care enough. Or even that I don’t like it here. Honestly I wish I could be bored. That’s much better then feeling everything all at once. How can I feel comfortable when I know I’m not in the best place, and I feel like everyone knows it. Everyone is coddling you and trying to help, when you don’t even want their help. All you want is them to be proud and see you as a success, and not as someone who is broken. All you are trying to do is get away from your problems, but even flying across the country they become ever so apparent when you open your mouth. I want so badly to try and get better, but sometimes it’s almost like walking through mud. Every step you sink a little further, and even if you come out of it you are never clean on the other side.”
Dealing with depression and anxiety is never a quick fix. Despite the wide variety of antidepressants and antianxiety medication out there today, there is no magic pill that will cause all of your problems to magically disappear. But as many continue to discount the disease and its long term lasting effects on a person’s everyday outlook, there are also many more tools and resources available to us today then there has ever been before.
Accepting the fact that you may need an antidepressant is not always a bad thing. But it is definitely not always easy. Sometimes taking the first step and admitting your not feeling like you once were, is the bravest thing you can do. You are taking your depression into your own hands, and making a choice in how you are better able to cope with it. If you’re thinking about trying an antidepressant or antianxiety medication, always consult with your Doctor or Physician first. Medication isn’t always the answer. There are many other ways of coping.
“I am now sitting on my Daddy’s porch overlooking the little dirt road he lives off of. Its surrounded by multiple different types of brush, plants, and trees along all sides. All the different kinds of plants make me think of my boyfriend back home, and is affinity for nature.
Some how it’s better out here. The humidity may seem muggy and uncomfortable to most, but I quite like it. It’s like being wrapped up in a warm blanket and you don’t need to wear a jacket. The quiet out here doesn’t seem as sharp as inside. It’s filled with the quiet buzz of cicadas, the small chirping of birds. The trickle of the creek as it runs through the backyard and pools into the pond.
I know my family means well, they are just unaware. It just took me a bit to realize that maybe we just relax differently. While others are content inside plugging away at their laptop, it seems I am most comfortable outside. Amongst the lizards, dragon flies, and snakes (among other things) that roam about these parts.”
Sometimes finding an outlet or a way of coping that works best for you can take a simple change of perspective. It can take minutes, other times days. But putting your energy into something positive instead of focusing it all on the negative, your outlook is instantly brighter. You will feel inspired and motivated to get better when you are doing something you enjoy, even if you haven’t found that something yet.
Not everyone deals with depression and anxiety the same. Whether you think you need to try medication, or just need a change of pace, find your best coping mechanisms and work on strengthening them! Soon you’ll have the tools to tackle your life’s next big obstacle, and you’ll find that sometimes even the simplest tasks, can be the best outlets.